In 1897, Charlotte Perkins Gilman stated:

We have so arranged life, that a man may have a home and family, love, companionship, domesticity, and fatherhood, yet remain an active citizen of age and country.  We have so arranged life, on the other hand, that a woman must “choose”; must either live alone, unloved, uncompanioned [sic], uncared for, homeless, childless, with her work for sole consolation; or give up all world-service for the joys of love, motherhood, and domestic service.

Kathleen Gilbert cites Marcia Clark, who prosecuted O.J. Simpson for the murder of his wife, as an example.  After the trial was over, Clark’s husband sued for custody of their two children.  He argued that “[Clark] spent all her time at work.”  “Like all moms, Marcia Clark can’t have it all,” concluded an article in the Detroit News, glossing over the fact that fathers have always had both jobs and children.  Men do not have to choose between career and family.  So why should women have to choose? 

In my opinion, that question misses the boat.  It is a simple fact that nearly 90 percent of women become mothers during their working lives.  Therefore, the question should not be “why should women have to choose?” but rather “how do we best raise our children and succeed at work?”...because 90% of us will need to do just that. 

I’m no expert but here are a few of my ideas:

First, we need to understand that it is unrealistic to say that you don’t have a change in your situation when you have kids.  Many of us have husbands who are extremely understanding and may in fact have more flexible professions.  But, it’s still not the same as having a parent at home. 

Second, we have to be creative.  Learn to delegate.  (That one is so hard for me.)  Establish time management strategies.  Invest in reliable, stable, high-quality childcare.  Live closer to work so you aren’t spending hours on the road.  Seek out senior colleagues to serve as mentors and role models. 

Third, identify existing family-friendly resources and technology at work.  Talk to your human resources department and explore all of their family-friendly policies.  You never know what opportunities they might offer.  Ask them if they offer or encourage services such as www.tendertidings.com.  If so, go ahead and log on to TenderTidings.com (rather than CNN.com) during lunch and see your kids.

Fourth, remember that the small things you say really do sink in.  You don’t have to be there every second for your kids to know how much you love them.

Finally, set your priorities and evaluate them often.  If we focus only on what is truly important, rather than the stereotype in our head, we’ll stay positive and be much better parents in the end.